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Spiritual Friendship
- 07/12/09
- 8
While our church focuses its teaching on verse-by-verse exposition, through the summer we often break for short topical series. This summer Julian (the associate pastor (is that his job title? Something like that) at our church) is preaching a series on spiritual friendship, looking at friendship in the light of the church’s core values.
At his blog he has been posting some great quotes from Hugh Black’s book Friendship, published by Joshua Press. I have blatantly stolen a few favorites and am printing them here for your benefit.
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‘The very existence of the church as a body of believers is due to this necessity of our nature, which demands opportunity for the interchange of Christian sentiment. The deeper the feeling, the greater is the joy of sharing it with another. There is a strange felicity, a wondrous enchantment, which comes from true intimacy of heart, and close communion of soul, and the result is more than mere fleeting joy. When it is shared in the deepest thoughts and highest aspirations, when it is built on a common faith, and lives by a common hope, it brings perfect peace. No friendship has done its work until it reaches the supremest satisfaction of spiritual communion.’
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‘We cannot live a self-centred life, without feeling that we are missing the true glory of life. We were made for social intercourse, if only that the highest qualities of our nature might have an opportunity for development. The joy, which a true friendship gives, reveals the existence of the want of it, perhaps previously unfelt. It is a sin against ourselves to let our affections wither. This sense of incompleteness is an argument in favour of its possible satisfaction; our need is an argument for its fulfillment. Our hearts demand love, as truly as our bodies demand food.’
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The world thinks we idealize our friend, and tells us that love is proverbially blind. Not so: it is only love that sees…. We only see what dull eyes never see at all. If we wonder what another man sees in his friend, it should be the wonder of humility, not the supercilious wonder of pride. He sees something which we are not permitted to witness. Beneath and amongst what looks only like worthless slag, there may glitter the pure gold of a fair character. That anybody in the world should be got to love us, and to see in us not what colder eyes see, not even what we are but what we may be, should of itself make us humble and gentle in our criticism of others’ friendships. Our friends see the best in us, and by that very fact call forth the best from us.
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There is nothing so important as the choice of friendship; for it both reflects character and affects it. A man is known by the company he keeps. This is an infallible test; for his thoughts, and desires, and ambitions, and loves are revealed here. He gravitates naturally to his congenial sphere. And it affects character; for it is the atmosphere he breathes. It enters into his blood and makes the circuit of his veins. All love assimilates to what it loves. A man is moulded into likeness of the lives that come nearest him.
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Friends should be chosen by a higher principle of selection than any worldly one, of pleasure, or usefulness, or by weak submission to the evil influences of our lot. They should be chosen for character, for goodness, for truth and trustworthiness, because they have sympathy with us in our best thoughts and holiest aspirations, because they have community of mind in the things of the soul. All other connections are fleeting and imperfect from the nature of the case.

I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 

Releasing on April 1, The Next
Comments (8)
I think one key element of friendship is transparency. This means that you are open about your struggles and weaknesses. That you can honestly talk about sin and be willing to confront ,in love, if you see a friend falling . But the flip side is forgiveness as well. One character that is often overlooked is , does this person hold a grudge , can they forgive . I say this because no friendship can survive long unless this is a component. We all fail each other , sooner or later . I listened to Pastor Piper in a sermon say that the only one who never fails is Christ and we all do things,say things that will hurt those closest to us. I have a couple of good friends that I know I can trust to bear my soul and walk with me , holding me accountable living a life of repentance and forgiveness . Pushing one another on , we have promised each other to have this type of relationship . Friendships are a messy business at times but the pain is worth the pay off.
I appreciated the fourth quote.
Here are 2 great books I have read on spiritual friendship:
Sacred Companions by David Benner
Connecting by Larry Crabb
I always loved this quote by Benner: “This is not the same as discussing theology, church politics or even the Sunday sermon. Genuine spiritual intimacy involves sharing my experience, not simply my ideas.”
I remember reading a biography about Jonathan Edwards, where he said in a final message to his wife something to the affect of, “…the uncommon union between us has been of such a nature as I trust is spiritual and therefore will continue forever.” It’s not the exact quote, but how applicable this is to any spiritual friendship, not just the relationship between husband and wife.
The quote from Benner in ScottL’s comment is fine for making the point that friendship, true friendship, never can be based upon chit chat about ideas. But if “discussing theology, church politics or even the Sunday sermon” is centered around love for Christ, centered in Christ himself, then two friends should talk about those things all they want. For their friendship is rooted in the one in whom all things hold together, even their friendship.
Some great thoughts.
I seem to be less affectionate as some others. But surely all humans have affection to some degree. I know my partner, who was born in Israel, has a lot of affection, and shows it in demonstrative ways. I’m less, very less, prone to do that.
When I think of friendship I always think of the buddies who fought together in the war. These folk really were close friends. My wife’s uncle was in WWII, and he could name 20 freinds of his who were killed. And still does so with a heavy heart.
I pray the brothers and sisters in Christ would have such a bond, and we surely can in the unity of the Spirit.
“That anybody in the world should be got to love us, and to see in us not what colder eyes see, not even what we are but what we may be, should of itself make us humble and gentle in our criticism of others’ friendships.”
Beautiful.
Michael -
I agree with you, as would Benner, I suppose. He is simply helping us know that discussion about the sermon or theology is not in and of itself the element for true spiritual friendship. A lot of people talk these things, but never truly become vulnerable with one another. So we need conversation, but we also need deep sharing of our hearts. As one spiritual said it - a pouring out of the eternal into one another.
Spiritual friendship is a vital topic (and it can even be covered verse-by-verse exegetically!).
I have a lengthy annotated bibliography on scores of books on spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction. If your readers want a free copy, they can email me with the subject line: “Bibliography” at:
rpm.ministries@gmail.com.
Bob
Bob